forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
