I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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