i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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