You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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