Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
