life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
