Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
