who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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