...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
