I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
