If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
