do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
