She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
