Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I cut my penus on the lid.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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