I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
