Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize