Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
