He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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