Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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