I am midnight drunk by noon
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
