hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
