im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
