I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
