Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
