I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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