The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize