I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
