I think my vagina is haunted
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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