i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize