I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
