I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
