I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
