First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
