it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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