yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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