Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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