Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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