In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
