I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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