I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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