How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
