My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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