His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
