Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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