I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I won the penis lottery.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
