why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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