My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
