I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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