Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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