rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
