It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
