So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize