so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
