Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
