Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
