Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
