At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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