I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i out mim tonsoeep
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize