I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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