I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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