Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
