I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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