How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
