he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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