I cannot find my penis.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
