I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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