i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
