I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
