i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
