he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
