He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
ttyl tear gas
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
