then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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