i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
