My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
