just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
