I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
